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On the drive back here I was worrying over nothing
08 July 2014 @ 04:12 pm
It's going down, I'm yelling timber...  
Woof. So I quit Lj idol. Which was coming, I'm sure. It's been a weird week for me. And now that I'm all in a reflecting on things mood, I've come to realize that I have this thing where I walk into situations expecting that they be fine and then they're not, they're kind of shitty. It's why I'm glad I'm marrying someone quite level-headed.

Last night we were watching a new show The Leftovers and there's this group of people who wear white and smoke and all live in this house. I must be tired/out of it/just being me because I did not realize that these people were in a cult. I was like oh that seems nice, they all wear the same thing and live there. Just a bunch of like minded people who have similar values. Later, Lacey called them a cult and I was like are they? I just though they were kindly chain smoking people. Haha. *hugs Millie* She'll keep me out of cults! I'm a sucker for free gruel.

Also with LJ Idol I didn't feel as though I could write about Hannek and stuff, and still get votes. I feel my best writing is when I write journal style, and that's not Hannek. So it was like either write so you can get votes or write Hannek. Which is a choice I wasn't particularly comfortable with, as Lacey likes when I write Hannek. And so do I. And it's to hard to build her back up as a character, I've been writing her for 9 years now. Best just to write her with Lacey playing the home game. *high fives*

It's a month before I'm moving the the US. I'm trying to get all the little things sorted out before I go so that I can get EI and health insurance and the like. Also I'm trying to pack all of my things. Apparently am going to ship some things and then uncle james will bring the rest but that means we need to see a broker or something. I don't know. I am feeling a lot of different feelings about this. It's hard, getting things ready for a move. Also I keep crying randomly because it's just such a big thing, this moving away from my family, not seeing them for months at a time.

Funny how something I've wanted for 5 years now has happened and it's a big mess of complicated feelings. Change is hard, even when you know you're headed on the right path.
Current Mood touched
Current Music Brazil vs. Germany. WC2014
Current Location Winnipeg!
       tempt me by storm
On the drive back here I was worrying over nothing
08 July 2014 @ 03:41 pm
Thank you  
Instead of an entry about Confession from the chair, I'm going to leave lj idol.

LJ Idol has taught me a few things. One of them is that I'm not a very good writer. I have a hard time getting out what I want to say and something that feels brilliant to me in my head usually comes out as a nonsensical sentence. I could work very hard on this and become a decent writer, I think. The ADHD means I have an incredibly difficult time settling down and focusing. That's okay, though. I'm pretty jazzed that I made it through 14 weeks of Lj Idol.

Another thing I learned is that I definitely let those polls drive me crazy. I don't know how people do this, I let my mood be dictated by my place in the polls and these days it's been not so good!

And of course the last time i was involved in something on lj I was unemployed and had all the time in the world to focus on it and build relationships with people. This time not so much. It's been hard to feel connected, I guess I just never settled in and felt comfortable commenting or carrying on a conversation. The entire thing felt awkward and often like I was commenting to nobody, which was odd. I figure it must be because there are so many people commenting and that sometimes you just have nothing to say to someone. I know I really struggled with commenting and reading people's entries. It has all just petered out.

One of the things I'm really happy that Idol has done for me is it has gotten me back in the habit of writing. When I write, I write with Lacey and it makes her happy. So Idol has helped me make my fiancée happier. And there's a lot of stuff going on with the stuff we write about now. If I only have time to write one thing a week, I want it to be with her. She's my biggest fan when it comes to my writing, which I appreciate more now that I've let complete strangers read my stuff. I think we'll both be playing the home game.

When I started LJ Idol I wanted to do something creative, to wake up that part of my brain and rediscover some creativity in my life. I feel as though I've done that, though as always, if I had more time and had been more disciplined then I could have done better. What is it my counselor is always cautioning me? Oh that's right, not to be too harsh with myself. I think I did well, and I'm proud of myself. Now off to the next adventure. Thanks everyone for reading and commenting over the past few months. I really appreciate it!
       1414 weaknesses tempt me by storm
On the drive back here I was worrying over nothing
30 June 2014 @ 06:59 pm
Vive les Bleus!  
I love the world cup! It's really great this year because in our little call centre room we have a projector and our TL puts the games up on the screen so we can watch as we work, which has been amazing. And the games on the weekend have been amazing! So the entire weekend has been me waking up, making food talking to Millie and then watching football (she watched with me when it was on her TV on Saturday) and then getting tired and having a nap for the afternoon. Good thing it's the morning games that have been the most exciting lately.

The weather has been terrible lately. So many flood warnings and nothing but rain. It's crazy, I'm still wearing pants on June 30. What the heck, yo.

I'm still doing LJ Idol, I'm kind of surprised I'm still in it, and also did not realize how long this thing was going to last . I thought sure I'll do it while I try to be distracted until my visa interview on may 23. and now it' june 30 and i'm like well i guess i can keep going until I'm voted out or until I move to Spokane? Because I'm sure the week that I'm moving I won't really give a feck about lj idol it'll be omg millie's here time to partay and move to be with her forever!

I guess it was Open Topic this week which was great because all this STUFF is happening for Hannek right now, Derek mum died back in April and I guess just last week was when Derek had that raid and almost died and it's all kicking into gear, their rough year. It's been great talking about them and both of us writing more and threading them. I like it. Hannah is of course having a hard time, the poor girl. But it's fun to be a little angsty and I did used to get bored with them when things were settled and nice and they were a happy young couple working with a baby and it all clicked and they had a few weeks of normal. It's been great, Lacey has been writing all sorts of this is what happens and i mostly write a little bit and mostly talk about stuff. how crazy she is and so so so protective. she's much like me in that way. it's her job to take care of bly.

Anyways, it's already the end of june, i'm still getting the moving to the us sorted. tomorrow is canada day. i had the realization the other day that omg, i just had my last canadian winter. Merlin on a cracker, isn't that insane? No more -40 degrees blizzardy daily life? What am I going to use to make me feel tough now?

Okay that's all, I hate this keyboard, punctuation is for suckers.


       tempt me by storm
On the drive back here I was worrying over nothing
28 June 2014 @ 06:36 pm
And it all comes crashing down  
That clenched feeling in Hannah's stomach had been there since she'd heard. It hadn't gone away. It lingered like she already knew, except she hadn't seen it coming. St. Mungo's was busy. There were injured Aurors and Death Eaters coming in all over. She knew Derek's raid had been a go.

The knot wasn't going away.

Three days later it was still there. They'd been able to tell her within a few hours that he'd live. Even that hadn't been sure at first. Was he going to leave her? Hannah didn't know what to do but wait until they knew. The last thing she'd said to him in person was "good luck". He couldn't leave. Would it just be her and the two babies? No. Derek couldn't leave. She wouldn't even think of it. But finally the news came. They were able to tell her and Derek's father that he was going to make it. He wasn't out of the woods, there was still work to be done on him, but he wasn't in imminent danger.

She went back to work to stay busy once she knew- at least until Derek was out of the emergency ward. Then it was all about Derek. Making sure he was comfortable, sitting by his side and holding his hand while he slept his potion induced sleep so he could heal. There were arrangements to be made. The girls where handed off to her mum. Derek's friends and family had to be notified. There were all sorts of things to take control of and Hannah dove in. She couldn't stop to think about the reality of all of it. The details were easier to manage. It created distance, somehow, being so close that she only saw one piece at a time. Never resting.

Everyone seemed surprised at how well she was coping. 'You're handling this so well' they said.

On the fourth day, one of the other Healers was bringing Derek his lunch. Before she could even hardly step into the room, Hannah was up, taking the tray from her coworker and insisting she had it. As she turned, Hannah bobbled. The tray tipped, the bowl of soup started to slide and before she could stop it, it tumbled over the edge, crashing to the floor and spilling it's contents everywhere.

Hannah felt herself losing all control in that moment. The inability to save the soup seemed larger than the issue itself, symbolic of everything that was suddenly wrong in her life. Everything she'd struggled to hold back came crashing down on her. She'd always known that Derek being injured was a possibility but she'd never expected to almost lose the love of her life, not really. Never thought to watch him laying in hospital so close to dead. Not even when they'd been here three months ago when his mum had died had it seemed possible. Surely that was the worst that could happen to them. Hannah dealt with life and death every day at the hospital but she couldn't accept the reality of that being part of her family.

This has been an entry for therealljidol If you like it, you can vote for it HERE Thanks for reading! Also for what happened to H's husband, the fiancée wrote it ici!
       66 weaknesses tempt me by storm
On the drive back here I was worrying over nothing
17 June 2014 @ 10:00 pm
The beginning of the prank war  
Abby could hardly contain herself as she perched on the armrest of the sofa. This was going to be BRILLIANT. They just had to wait for her mum and dad to come around the corner and then, BAM!‏ Out they'd jump.‏

She turned to shush her younger siblings as they jostled on the cushions behind her. Connor was pressing in, nearly peering over her shoulder in eager anticipation.‏ She heard her parents walking down the hallway towards them.

"Derek, I don't think that you even know how to take it easy. I don't know how much longer I can go worrying about you coming home safe."‏

"Hannah..." Her dad's voice had that tone to it that it got sometimes when they were talking. That was okay though. Soon they'd all be laughing. "I'm fine. I'm going to be fine. Can we not talk about this?"

The time to act was now! Abby leapt into the air, arms flailing as she yelled "BOO!" aiming straight for her dad.‏ Taylor and Connor followed with cheers rather than yells, but they both jumped and waived their arms at their parents‏.

Their dad turned with his wand out, faster than Abby had expected. Before there was time to take in her mum's widening eyes or the alarm and delayed recognition from her dad, Abby found herself floating in mid-air. Connor drifted on her right, Taylor to her left. Her sister spun quietly, studying this new sensation as she did everything else, looking cool and intrigued. Connor, the baby that he was, started crying when he realized he wasn't able to touch the ground.

"Merlin, Abby!" Their dad rushed to let them down, her mum scooping Connor up to soothe him.

Abby thought it was quite amazing. Different than flying on a broom, this. And never mind the flash of worry she'd caught on her dad's face or her mum's look of horror. She was floating! Abby let out a pleased laugh and waved her seemingly weightless limbs.

Being the oldest, she was the last to be plucked from the air and set back to ground. "That was my best prank EVER!"

"Don't jump out at your dad like that," her mum scolded. Abby didn't mind though. Her dad looked fine now. He was giving her the look that said she could do no wrong. She was golden. Next time she'd explode into confetti (or at least throw it).
       55 weaknesses tempt me by storm
On the drive back here I was worrying over nothing
09 June 2014 @ 06:20 pm
And they say romance is dead  
It all started with the blood moon. Hannah's mother-in-law Nanine was in an accident with a werewolf on a post blood moon check. Losing Nanine was the worst thing that could happen, Hannah thought. It wasn't until her husband was critically injured in a raid that she realized things could get worse. She felt so helpless that night, Derek being brought to her work, and her only being able to stand there with her father-in law and wait. She was losing her world.

A month later, he was home with her. She was a healer, she could look after him during the nights. Loopy on pain medication the majority of the time but Hannah was glad to have him home. Her family was together, they were all alive, it was going to be okay. Now her days consisted of picking up either both her daughters or one of her daughters from daycare, and coming home to get food together. Derek was often sleeping or about to fall asleep but she made him a plate and got him fed. Then she took care of her girls and got them to bed. Then got herself ready for bed and looked after Derek until she slept. Her nights were fits of brief sleep mixed with checking on her baby and her husband.

She stepped out of the floo with her five month old. Hannah spoke softly to her baby as Taylor fussed, unhappy about the floo travel. "Shh, bébé. We're home now." They stepped into their home and were immediately hit with the sound of a screaming 2 year-old. Abby was in time out, it seemed, unhappy about Grandad's rules about drawing on walls. Hannah turned to look for Canderous and relieve him of his station. "Canderous?" Her father-in-law was nowhere to be found, however. She turned the corner and saw her husband standing at the table, with takeaway on the plates. He tried to smile but it was more of a foggy grimace. "Derek? What are you doing? You should be in bed," she said as she put Taylor in her bassinet.

"I wanted to help," he said as he walked over to the bassinet to say hi to Taylor and give his wife a kiss. Abby was in her playpen, having calmed down now. She reached for her mum. "You should sit down," Hannah said as she turned to pick up her daughter and bring her to the table. "You're supposed to limit movement," she said sternly as she fixed Derek with a look. "I wanted to help," he repeated as he slowly sat down in the chair beside Abby. Today was a good day, the pain was minimal. He'd somehow hit the right combination of pain potions. And he was determined to do something with it.

Hannah's initial reaction was that this was going to be a mess. She had a system for her evenings, everyone was being taken care of with that system. But Derek liked to help out, and this was the first time since the raid that he'd been up and about. A cautious optimism awoke in her, she'd been on automatic pilot for a month and hadn't taken a moment to breathe. "Here, Abby." Derek ate with his good arm and helped Abby with her food. Hannah kept an eye on the two of them, resisting helping him eat or wiping her daughter's mouth. For half an hour she ate her own food, enjoying the takeaway on her plate. She got up to put everyone's food away just as Derek was starting to fade. "Thank you," she murmured as she kissed him on the forehead and helped him to the couch to rest while she took care of everyone else. It was back to her normal grind, but for a moment she was able to feel a smidgen of hope. They would be a family again. A proper family and Hannah would find happiness one day. She got a little bit of it today. She wouldn't be left on her own to keep everything together. Derek would get better and there was an end to this.

That night when everyone was asleep, Hannah rolled over and reached for his good hand. For the first time since she almost lost him, she felt as though they were going to be okay. She saw a little bit of her husband today, and he was coming back.
       77 weaknesses tempt me by storm
On the drive back here I was worrying over nothing
03 June 2014 @ 07:33 pm
LJ Idol  
Haha, so I was almost out last round! And I did talk about addiction stuff, but I wrote it in 20 minutes so my assumption that people don't like addiction/recovery stuff is unproven because I think people also don't like lazily written thoughts.

However, I am feeling like I'm going to be out of this game soon and that's okay because I really don't have the time to put any proper effort in. I feel like life is just like hey, you're moving to the US and getting married so do this stuff rather than hey, write some LJ idol. That being said, I want to go out with something I write and put effort into and actually revise and have a first draft.

This week at work I'm working 7a-7p but I can do a little bit each night. Or talk with Millie about it and get some ideas. Another thing I've decided is that I am goddamn writing Hannek this week. Hannah says yeah! You're going to bloody write about me, I'm all adult and normal now and dealing with crazy life stuff as well. If I go out with Hannek I'm okay with that.

OH Also hey LJ my Fianceé Visa got approved! So I'm all set! Life is good and I will be okay
       11 weakness tempt me by storm
On the drive back here I was worrying over nothing
29 May 2014 @ 07:53 pm
Just stay up with me until I feel okay, please?  
Active addicts are the most manipulative lying bunch of people you've ever met. When I was actively drinking and using, I lied every single day. The people in my life who cared about me could see that I was in pain, and a lot of them tried to help. It's an obvious reaction, trying to help someone who is crying and upset.

I cried for so many nights, asked for so much from the people around me. I asked for help paying for food, for my parents to house and feed me, I asked for money for things I was never intending to buy. I asked Lacey to buy things for me, to stay up with me because I was upset. I lied, stole and manipulated those around me to get what I wanted. What I wanted was nothing more than to numb myself out and not feel anything anymore. I wanted to escape, to hide from life.

And so in the process of trying to help me feel better, trying to relieve some of my pain, and trying to believe that I could beat this with their help, the people around me enabled me for years. Alcoholism and addiction doesn't get better that way. Drinking gets worse, the disease progresses. And so mine did. By the time my family and loved ones learned that they couldn't change a goddamn thing about how I drank or that I lied and all they could do was look after themselves, I was hitting bottom. Perhaps it was because they figured it out and stopped 'helping'. Either way, I hit bottom, I was convinced that I was going to die and finally decided that I didn't want to. I began rehab, recovery and healing.

My mother once asked me if she did the wrong thing, trying to help as she did. I told her I didn't think so. She did the best she could. I did the best I could, fighting this addiction and I am grateful that I am still alive. I don't know what I would do if one day when I have kids, I realize that they are struggling with addiction. Will I be able to help by detaching with love and not enabling? Or will I be unable to turn my child away when they are in pain? I don't know. I suppose it will be whatever I can live with.

This has been an entry for therealljidol If you like it, you can vote for it HERE Thanks for reading!
       77 weaknesses tempt me by storm
On the drive back here I was worrying over nothing
19 May 2014 @ 04:38 pm
On the way out the door, my mother told me to 'Keep Calm and Carry On'.  
It's 4:32am. I'm sitting in my parents basement, smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee. I'm probably either sobering up or coming down. Trying to find a center of quiet before I can go to sleep. It's been a lonely few days by myself, actively avoiding any real human contact. On the screen I have about 25 tabs opened on Firefox. I am currently on number five, reading the comments on a forum. Someone is posting a picture talking about Dumbledore dying, there are other comments and jokes. I open more tabs to google the origin of certain jokes, wanting to find out what they're from. This takes me 3 hours. I begin to settle down. The house is up now, I have to get back to bed. I tip toe to my bedroom and fall asleep.

This is a typical day for me. The forums, the journal entries, the communities I become a part of are all I have. I read, I sometimes comment, I lose myself in research and icon making. I laugh at funny comments, they make me feel like I'm a part of something. Why would I need to leave my basement and face possible failure in the terrifying real world? I have a world right here.

It took a long time, a lot of therapy and a stint at rehab before I emerged from my parents' basement to show up and face the real world. Now I have a proper job, real life friends, love, a good relationship with my family and a couple of years of sobriety under my belt. I'm moving forward with real life.

I still check forums, see the occasional meme and laugh at them. But there's a disconnect for me. It doesn't mean belonging and acceptance and it's not everything to me anymore. It's just interesting or enjoyable stuff on the internet. But over the years memes have gone from forums to facebook to bookstores. It's not so much an obscure joke to be found on a forum, it has become something you can spend your hard earned real life money on. It's interesting to see something I used to focus on in my dark little corner bleed through to today where I have started to really live in the world. And it's especially nice to acknowledge the contrast in myself and my situation with relation silly internet jokes.

This has been an entry for therealljidol If you like it, you can vote for it HERE Thanks for reading!
       88 weaknesses tempt me by storm
On the drive back here I was worrying over nothing
08 May 2014 @ 02:55 pm
The One.  
I always thought it would hit me like a bolt of lightning. I’d meet someone, it would be a fairytale (like in the movies). I would know with utter certainty. I would find my other half, the person who understood me the most. There would be a chemistry that was undeniable and I would float off into forever with my soul mate.

The reality of finding the one has been less immediate knowledge and more gradual discovery. It has been learning to trust and accept what she is giving me and also learning to show more of who I really am. Offering up the things I’m not so proud of, things that make me less than perfect and hoping that she accepts them. Accepting what she gives me, even when it’s difficult to see past the perfectness that I saw in her at first. Seeing what works and what doesn’t, where the boundaries are, sorting out how we can work together as a couple.

When we are at our best, everything flows with ease. We don’t stumble or trip over each other, we work together flawlessly and our energy is bright and happy. It’s obvious that we are meant to be. It's been like this from the beginning.

Five years ago we were at my parents for dinner, Lacey was meeting them for the first time. We'd been dating for 9 months or so, and were both nervous. My parents knew about her, and said they were looking forward to meeting her. The possible awkwardness that involves bringing your girlfriend to dinner was at the forefront of my mind. That first dinner at my parents, however, we were not awkward. It was a night full of stories, jokes and back and forth between me and Lacey. Everything went smoothly, it was a relaxing night. I remember very clearly leaving after dinner and walking down the pathway to the car, turning back and waving to my parents. Lacey and I both agreed that it was a perfect first dinner. We still have that good rapport when we meet new people. Last summer at my brother's wedding I finally got to introduce her to everyone. We spent some time with my aunt and cousin and it was relaxing the same way. Again there were jokes, silly stories and I felt like we were just bright and happy.

Of course it’s not always amazing chemistry. I’m a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for 2 out of the 5 years we’ve been together. There were many dark nights of fighting, wondering whether we could get through it, whether it was worth it in the long run. A lot of things didn’t work during the first 3 years, and if I’m honest also during the next 2. But with everything that didn’t work with us, I feel like we came out closer, having gotten through it. I felt like we grew stronger as we overcame those difficult times. For me I had to just trust that it would be okay, that what I felt during the good times would keep us together while I got lost in the darkness. And hope that she would still be there when I came out of it. She always was.

There were moments that spelled it out for me. Sometimes I would just stop and take a mental picture. I wanted to save these moments forever, to keep them with me even if we didn’t work out. I would always have these moments with her. And I always will. I never ever want to forget these moments, where I felt completely and utterly loved beyond a shadow of a doubt. There's a long list, but I picked a few to think back on.

First there was the winter moment. It was a cold January in Canada, snowing heavily. We'd just run from the mall to the car. The temperature was -40 with windchill. I groaned about having to clean off the snow and scrape the windows. I live in the prairies, we have snowy weather for 5 months out of the year. Lacey, armed with her new Vancouver Olympics mittens and Canada toque, jumped out and brushed off the snow and scraped the windows for me. I watched her in the rear view mirror, taking a mental picture. Maybe it’s just a Canadian thing, but the way to my heart is definitely offering to clean the snow off my car. Looking adorable in her Canadian winter wear helped as well.

We were shopping in a mall and stopped at a plus size store. I had my one store in Canada that I bought clothes at and was excited to shop in an American plus size store. So I walk in excited, look at the nice shirts, pants, bras, pajamas. The sizes were not like we had in Canada, or at least this store didn’t go up to my size, it appeared. I found a cute white nightgown with a butterfly on it that I thought would be perfect. But the sizes weren’t what I was looking for. My excitement was quickly replaced with embarrassment, as I looked through more and realized that none of these clothes would fit me. I told the shop lady that I was fine, didn’t need help and left the store quite quickly, Lacey in tow. She asked me what was up and I think I was quite emotional, telling her that these clothes wouldn’t fit me. I told her that I was a 4X and I didn’t know what that was in those store sizes. Her easy response to just ask was not what I wanted to do. I felt low and just wanted to leave and go back to hers. She asked me to wait there, so I did, reading the mall directory and trying to calm down. When Lacey returned, she had a bag for me. It was the white nightgown that I was looking at. She’d asked the lady about the sizes and bought the one that I assumed wouldn’t fit for me. Thankfully it did, and I still have it to this day. I always appreciate her being strong for me when I can’t.

I had a movie moment. Well, an aha moment at the movies, at least. Lacey and I were at a 4pm movie at the Regal in Northtown (for all the Spokane readers I’m sure there are). I was heading back from the washroom break I took halfway through the movie and it hit me. If this was my life, it would be enough. If I ended up living in the US with the highlight of my month or year being going to see a movie with Lacey, I would be happy with where I was. And for an addict let me tell you that something being enough is a big deal. The certainty I felt in that moment I can still feel today.

I can look back at all of these different moments, the bright mental picture moments where I realize it, the easy back and forth when we’re with friends or family, even the nights where nothing seems to work and all we can do is hold on to us, and see how I figured it out. All of these moments help me see all the ways and reasons I love Lacey. Is she the one? Yes, and I’m going to marry her.
       1515 weaknesses tempt me by storm